It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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