At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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