Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
