my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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