He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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