She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
