My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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