I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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