well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
