she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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