please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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