dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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