ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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