dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
