saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
