haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
