yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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