im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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