Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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