who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
