I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
