wat bout pragnant strippers??
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
