we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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