mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
