he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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