ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
