NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
