i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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