What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up under a house in Key West
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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