Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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