Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
