Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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