i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
