I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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