its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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