Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
