The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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