Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Send help, water and tortillas.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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