WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
