I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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