John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
