im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
