apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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