he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
