Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
