dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
