So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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