you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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