Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
