I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
