I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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