Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize