Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
