i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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