he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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