i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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