cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
