now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize