if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
