I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
