You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
